winterstar95: (Default)
I had to wait and wait for my favorite character to be released from a writer's warped sense of what is edgy and great. Steve Rogers is not a Nazi. He was created by 2 Jewish men to punch Hitler in the face. To have Shithead turn him and warp him was undeniably cruel to Steve Rogers' fans and to the spirit of the creators. It didn't matter that things would return to normal again at some time in the future. What mattered was that Shithead thought it was okay. Not only was it an insult to the Jewish men who created Steve Rogers, but it was disgusting. So finally Marvel changed course and brought real Steve back. You would think that the Stony fandom would be elated to have Steve back. But instead what I've read on several Stony forums is not elation but disappointment that Steve won't have to pay for the sins of his doppleganger. Nothing about yay our boy is back! I can understand wanting Steve to angst. I write angst all the time, but to be disappointed and disapproving that the real Steve Rogers wasn't a nazi all the time is not being a true fan to the character. Not in my eyes. I've stood up to a few people, explained my position. But the fact remains that like most of Steve's pairings, he is an accessory in Stony. Tony is the center, Steve is the side. Tony is the steak, Steve is the potato. For me Steve is my center for the fandom. I'm tired of a pairing where one character has to revolve around the other. Or better yet, where one character gets all of the sympathy and the other character - Steve - none.

I don't know how many times I had to hear about Tony and the inversion and his evil self was not him. I don't know how many times I heard that defense. I accepted it, too. Because hell, I know and love Tony. I get it. But I don't see the same defense for Steve. Evil Steve Rogers is not Real Steve Rogers. Evil Steve Rogers was a construct of Kobik. A new draft of Steve Rogers. She saved the real Steve Rogers, in her mind and can manifest him again because she controls reality. Why would anyone say then that the evil Steve Rogers is the real Steve or that the real Steve Rogers should pay for the sins of the evil clone. That makes no sense. I don't care what Marvel plans to do with the evil Steve Rogers, even if for some weird cosmic cube reason they decide to merge the two (which I am not going to be happy with) - real Steve with his REAL history would NEVER be a Nazi. END OF STORY.

Anyhow. This is enough to finally drive me away. My plans are this I am going to finish Code and Force of Nature and one more bingo square. And then after that - my focus will be Steve Rogers in gen stories or rare pairings. I know those don't get the traffic that the big slash ships do, but that's okay. I don't get a lot of traffic anyhow! It's good. I have another Clark/Steve story and another Steve/Marc story to write. If IW really changes things up for me, maybe I'll come back to Stony, I just don't know. But I'm tapped out.
winterstar95: (Default)
I vent here because where else should I do it? I am venting about the same thing - again. I am seriously considering why I even bother to write for fandom. The feedback is minimal unless you happen to be BNF. I am not. So I write and get nothing out of it, but a little sadness with a touch of depression on the side.

Let me get this straight - I love writing. I love writing fanfiction. I love what I write. It should be enough. But for me, it's not. I want to share my excitement and my love for these jerks but I don't get much back in the way of feedback. I used to, but then the whole CA:CW happened and I defended Steve Rogers while not disparaging Tony's POV but that wasn't enough for fandom. Fandom hates me.

Just ignore me. I get morose anytime I post a chapter and bam! nothing happens. No one responds, no one is interested. People seem more interested in my PSA about Steve Rogers then what I labor on in my very tiny bit of spare time.

But whatever - I hate this. I really need to not write anymore.
winterstar95: (Default)
And this is it. I don't have a lot of places I can go and say anything or complain. Usually I use this space as a space for 'good'. Like this is a good space to report how I am recovering from my latest health scare (and there have been a lot) or that I am excited about a movie. Well, now I need to talk about how I feel right now.

Like crap.

From my previous post you can see that I am not happy because of the reception of a sequel that people begged me for - but no one showed up. I don't understand why people wanted it and then nope, not going to be interested in it. So now I am embarrassed and very sad that I sunk so much of my time into this story. Apparently no one really wanted it. I don't know what I will do with it at this point. I already have over 50k of this story with another 60-80k planned. Seems like an awful lot of work for something that is like screaming to the void. I can do that here.

On top of all of that, it seems I know have a gallbladder issue - in that I am having tests to check it out and they think it might need to come out. I am hoping not, I don't need to go under again. This would be like the 24 time. I don't want this.

Last night I lay in bed and just cried to myself. Fandom is my one outlet and it hasn't been good to me in years. Now this stupid gallbladder thing. Why? I've had so many other issues, why this?

Anyhow that's my vent/whine for today.
winterstar95: (Default)
There are times in fandom I feel pretty shitty about myself. Today was one of those days. I posted the first chapter of a story I've been working on (and tons of people asked me for this sequel) and so far - well it sunk like a rock. Not many hits, lack of feedback. It looks bad. So bad. So I went to a fandom friend and whined. I know that whining isn't going to fix it. But I needed to get it off my chest - just like right now I am venting to no one. Well, let's just say it did not go well. So now I am sitting here feeling extra shitty with shitty on top because I suck at writing and at friending.

Whatever, right? I have no friends in real life - why did I expect to have any in VL.
winterstar95: (Default)
I went to see WW on Friday. I was supposed to see it on the preview night but my husband didn't get home on time for me to leave the dragons. So I went on Friday to see it. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but it was a good movie, solid foundation. Reminded me a lot of Captain America: The First Avenger. In fact it borrowed a lot from that, but it had it's own mixture of DC mythology so I enjoyed it. I wish they'd cut down a little on the Synder written parts of the story, but I really did think that Gadot was WONDER WOMAN. She was great in the role. Outstanding really. I look forward to seeing more of her.

On the other hand we also saw the trailer for Justice League and I have to admit, it looked pretty terrible. Really dark and horrible again. What is wrong with DC?

But go see WW it is worth it. For an older woman who has been waiting since she was a littler girl for a woman president, this - well this eased some of the pain. I cried at the beginning.
winterstar95: (Default)
I finished two RBBs. One for the CAPIM RBB and one for the CAPRBB. They were fun to write. The CAPIM RBB is over 65k and the CAPRBB clocks in at 46K. That's a lot more than I figured they would be. I could have made both much longer but because I was writing two, and I had limited my time in fandom writing, it was squeezed. I hope people like them. This is kind of a make or break moment in my fandom life. If this doesn't re-inspire me and bring me back to the fold, I don't know what will. I feel like I've been beaten up by fandom since CW came out and it never really stopped. The craptastic comments and other messages I've gotten as a Steve fan have not been great. It didn't help that Marvel comics made Steve evil (I don't care if it will be retconned eventually - it ruined my experience with fandom). So if this doesn't do it, I will probably just need to walk away from fandom until something new and exciting happens or I find a new fandom.

It is really distressing me in some ways. I want to be active and have a good time, and a good discussion. But I find myself excluded. Thankfully, I am old enough to not let it get to me personally, but it does make me want to completely give up and let fandom be that ugly place I remember.

Any way I am excited about my RBBs. The CAPIM RBB is a AU. Non- powered (my specialty). And my beta thinks it is the best writing I've done since Upon Waking. Which is saying something. My CAPRBB is post-CW but it fusion of a comic book character with the MCU. It works for the most part - and please look for the art - my artist is a dream. She's producing so much art for this story! It's wonderful. Read it even if it is a rare pairing because it is worth it for the art!

May posting dates for both.
winterstar95: (Default)
So, for the last year or so, I have been quite disillusioned by Marvel and even Marvel fans. So I have slowly pulled away. Not doing much with it. I stopped interacting on tumblr - which is sad for me. I am writing my two Marvel related RBB, but not any of my WIPs anymore (sadly). So, I am kind of searching for a new fandom. If you are out there and would like to respond - please tell me about some of your fandoms...Thanks!
winterstar95: (Default)
We have two cats already but one is blind and the other is old and sleeps all day and night. We have a major mouse problem right now. I got some of the humane traps and within a few hours we caught 4 mice. That's ridiculous. One of the mice stole my husband's bagel today, I saw it sneaking off with this huge bagel slice. I feel like I am living in a cartoon. I am not a dirty person, I clean all the freaking time. But it so happens I live in the country and they like to sneak in during the winter and hang out - now that it is getting warm I guess they decided why leave? But the audacity of these mice. I mean it was right there, picking up the bagel slice and running away. I could hear it laughing. I need a cat to scare these things at the very least!
winterstar95: (Default)
I have completely removed all of my posts from the LJ (in order to make sure that I was able to do it, I did not migrate any comments). Unfortunately I didn't make the cut off before everything was migrated to the Russian servers, but I did the vast majority of the work beforehand. Who knows how much is kept and how much isn't. Either way I feel more secure. I am keeping my LJ account open for now only because I am still participating in the CAP-IM RBB. But I think after I post, I will delete my account. There's no reason for it. I do have to open an account somewhere for image posting. Not sure how to do that or what I should do. But that is in the works.

Also, I have disengaged from fandom. It's sad but it was a necessary evil. I really do miss it, but I can't take the anxiety it gives me. It's not natural or normal to be so upset over something like fandom. So I walked away from tumblr over 2 weeks ago, going on 3 weeks. I feel good about it. I only post once a week and that's just to update my progress on my current RBBs (I am writing the CapRBB too). Once I finish with those, I am going to take stock and see if I want to continue with anymore fandom writing. I like it, but it's painful to continue in many ways. I am not going to go into the details, I still have stress because of it and even just writing about it here, makes me upset. So, we will see how it all goes.

I am still learning DW, and I expect to be talking to myself, which is okay. I just need an outlet sometimes.
winterstar95: (Default)
I am trying my best to get all of my journal over here but I think I screwed up some of it because apparently I have more than one DW journal!! LOL! Oh well, I continue to remove myself from LJ with the goal of 20 Jan. So FX I will be done by then. Thanks to everyone who followed me here.
winterstar95: (butterfly)

If you would like to look at my fic listing, please send me a PM for a friend request. I will not open up my journal to anyone other than friends due to trolls. I apologize but it is a necessary evil.
winterstar95: (lightcap)
Wow I have been remiss and I apologize, but the very good news is that I dodged another bullet! My biopsy came back clear of cancer. Recuperation has been a little more painful and difficult than I thought, but I am so happy to report this! I just have to worry about the spot they found in my neck now (that was the bad news I heard before the surgery). They don't think it is anything, but will watch it over the next few months to make sure.

And onto the updates Stop reading here if you don't want to know about the many writing projects )
winterstar95: (brave)
To report I am still around - the surgery went well. I am still in some pain, but expect it will taper off as I heal. The results won't be back for a bit, so I have to try not to think about whether or not I am collecting cancers as a new hobby or not. This procedure is supposed to be both diagnostic and therapeutic. So if I do have cancer, if I have clean margins I am essentially good to go. Laying around for the rest of the weekend, may telework on Monday if I still don't feel well enough.

A mighty hi to all the WC folks at the meet up. I miss you all.

And a mighty hi to all my MCU folks and SG1 folks. Fandom is the best!
winterstar95: (wakeupSteve)
Sorry I have been missing in action lately. Just a quick note or two:

1. I go in for more cutting and biopsing on Thursday.

2. Had some crappy results last Wednesday. Cried a river, but hell I'm still here now, right?

3. I think I've watched CA:TWS like a dozen times since I down loaded it!

4. To all my WC peeps going to the meet up - have fun. Wish I could go but I will be recovering from #1. Please report!!

I have been reading - and thinking about everyone! Hope all is well.


winterstar95: (Default)

September 2017



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