winterstar95: (Default)
I had to wait and wait for my favorite character to be released from a writer's warped sense of what is edgy and great. Steve Rogers is not a Nazi. He was created by 2 Jewish men to punch Hitler in the face. To have Shithead turn him and warp him was undeniably cruel to Steve Rogers' fans and to the spirit of the creators. It didn't matter that things would return to normal again at some time in the future. What mattered was that Shithead thought it was okay. Not only was it an insult to the Jewish men who created Steve Rogers, but it was disgusting. So finally Marvel changed course and brought real Steve back. You would think that the Stony fandom would be elated to have Steve back. But instead what I've read on several Stony forums is not elation but disappointment that Steve won't have to pay for the sins of his doppleganger. Nothing about yay our boy is back! I can understand wanting Steve to angst. I write angst all the time, but to be disappointed and disapproving that the real Steve Rogers wasn't a nazi all the time is not being a true fan to the character. Not in my eyes. I've stood up to a few people, explained my position. But the fact remains that like most of Steve's pairings, he is an accessory in Stony. Tony is the center, Steve is the side. Tony is the steak, Steve is the potato. For me Steve is my center for the fandom. I'm tired of a pairing where one character has to revolve around the other. Or better yet, where one character gets all of the sympathy and the other character - Steve - none.

I don't know how many times I had to hear about Tony and the inversion and his evil self was not him. I don't know how many times I heard that defense. I accepted it, too. Because hell, I know and love Tony. I get it. But I don't see the same defense for Steve. Evil Steve Rogers is not Real Steve Rogers. Evil Steve Rogers was a construct of Kobik. A new draft of Steve Rogers. She saved the real Steve Rogers, in her mind and can manifest him again because she controls reality. Why would anyone say then that the evil Steve Rogers is the real Steve or that the real Steve Rogers should pay for the sins of the evil clone. That makes no sense. I don't care what Marvel plans to do with the evil Steve Rogers, even if for some weird cosmic cube reason they decide to merge the two (which I am not going to be happy with) - real Steve with his REAL history would NEVER be a Nazi. END OF STORY.

Anyhow. This is enough to finally drive me away. My plans are this I am going to finish Code and Force of Nature and one more bingo square. And then after that - my focus will be Steve Rogers in gen stories or rare pairings. I know those don't get the traffic that the big slash ships do, but that's okay. I don't get a lot of traffic anyhow! It's good. I have another Clark/Steve story and another Steve/Marc story to write. If IW really changes things up for me, maybe I'll come back to Stony, I just don't know. But I'm tapped out.
winterstar95: (Default)
I vent here because where else should I do it? I am venting about the same thing - again. I am seriously considering why I even bother to write for fandom. The feedback is minimal unless you happen to be BNF. I am not. So I write and get nothing out of it, but a little sadness with a touch of depression on the side.

Let me get this straight - I love writing. I love writing fanfiction. I love what I write. It should be enough. But for me, it's not. I want to share my excitement and my love for these jerks but I don't get much back in the way of feedback. I used to, but then the whole CA:CW happened and I defended Steve Rogers while not disparaging Tony's POV but that wasn't enough for fandom. Fandom hates me.

Just ignore me. I get morose anytime I post a chapter and bam! nothing happens. No one responds, no one is interested. People seem more interested in my PSA about Steve Rogers then what I labor on in my very tiny bit of spare time.

But whatever - I hate this. I really need to not write anymore.
winterstar95: (Default)
And this is it. I don't have a lot of places I can go and say anything or complain. Usually I use this space as a space for 'good'. Like this is a good space to report how I am recovering from my latest health scare (and there have been a lot) or that I am excited about a movie. Well, now I need to talk about how I feel right now.

Like crap.

From my previous post you can see that I am not happy because of the reception of a sequel that people begged me for - but no one showed up. I don't understand why people wanted it and then nope, not going to be interested in it. So now I am embarrassed and very sad that I sunk so much of my time into this story. Apparently no one really wanted it. I don't know what I will do with it at this point. I already have over 50k of this story with another 60-80k planned. Seems like an awful lot of work for something that is like screaming to the void. I can do that here.

On top of all of that, it seems I know have a gallbladder issue - in that I am having tests to check it out and they think it might need to come out. I am hoping not, I don't need to go under again. This would be like the 24 time. I don't want this.

Last night I lay in bed and just cried to myself. Fandom is my one outlet and it hasn't been good to me in years. Now this stupid gallbladder thing. Why? I've had so many other issues, why this?

Anyhow that's my vent/whine for today.
winterstar95: (Default)
There are times in fandom I feel pretty shitty about myself. Today was one of those days. I posted the first chapter of a story I've been working on (and tons of people asked me for this sequel) and so far - well it sunk like a rock. Not many hits, lack of feedback. It looks bad. So bad. So I went to a fandom friend and whined. I know that whining isn't going to fix it. But I needed to get it off my chest - just like right now I am venting to no one. Well, let's just say it did not go well. So now I am sitting here feeling extra shitty with shitty on top because I suck at writing and at friending.

Whatever, right? I have no friends in real life - why did I expect to have any in VL.
winterstar95: (wakeupSteve)
Sorry I have been missing in action lately. Just a quick note or two:

1. I go in for more cutting and biopsing on Thursday.

2. Had some crappy results last Wednesday. Cried a river, but hell I'm still here now, right?

3. I think I've watched CA:TWS like a dozen times since I down loaded it!

4. To all my WC peeps going to the meet up - have fun. Wish I could go but I will be recovering from #1. Please report!!

I have been reading - and thinking about everyone! Hope all is well.
winterstar95: (onering)
That is the new name of my computer. Seriously, this thing is a BITCH. Don't get my wrong the Inspiron 15 7000 is a nice looking computer - pretty and all of that. But the Windows 8.1 operating system sucks and the screen and mouse (no matter how I set it) are too sensitive. I have to get a different mouse so I can disable the one on the laptop. The Ops SUCKS. I HATE IT. And it just makes me want to cry all that much more about my poor lovey dovey computer.....
winterstar95: (dug)
Smile, big smiles as we watch the boat sailing away with all of my writing for the last ten years. Good bye because I cannot afford to recover the data. It is less expensive to buy a new laptop. Bye writing. All those sad electrons never going to show their little happy energies to the world. Oh well, on to re-establish my writing life.

PS - the reason I don't use googledoc, dropbox, cloud is because I cannot reliably access them. I don't have a reliable internet. So I usually back up to an external hard drive (all photos, household stuff, but not fanfic). I have an idea of what I will do to back this up from now on. Lesson learned (the very hard way).
winterstar95: (saveme)
That my computer literally crashed; it fell off the desk while on and it killed the hard drive. We pulled the drive out, and the heads aren't spinning (or some shit like that). Called in a recovery service. They literally came to the house to pick it up and said they would have a diagnostic by tomorrow. I don't have to worry about photos, all are backed up. Writing is another story. This might be a major loss. And color me a bit red when these guys recover my slash fic! Geez! Okay I can stand it if they just save it!
winterstar95: (lightcap)
Let's be honest about something. Even though I've produced a great number of words this year already, something is definitely wrong. Since my cancer diagnosis and the surgery, something has been off. Writing hasn't been easy, but a struggle. I can write - don't get me wrong - but there's a halting quality to it that I just don't like.

I am writing and sometimes I am enjoying, but I have to say my stamina left the building when I lost my thyroid. I'm doing okay, overall, but I don't have the same brain capacity anymore. Something is foggy up there. This is particularly worrisome because while I think I can handle one WC rev BB, I cannot handle two. I signed up for two. I don't know what I am going to do now. I have one nearly finished. But the other one hasn't been touched. This should not have been a problem - last year it wasn't even an issue. I've clocked myself and I can put out 1000 words/30 minutes. It is EASY for me. But unfortunately, I'm jumbled and tired a lot at night. I can't handle the load I used to be able to handle last year. I wrote four stories at the same time last year! Without a problem!! But I can't handle two!!

Help!

Ugh!

Life changes sometimes suck.
winterstar95: (frozen)
Massive snow storm on tap, that is what the news person just said. Oh I just love this. I am in a hotel room because I am holding a meeting - a major conference for my job. No way to cancel - and I can't leave because I am the leader of the conference. So much fun. I have to admit, I am a little frightened even though I am originally from Buffalo NY. Reason - most of these people here are NOT from Buffalo NY and for some reason Maryland thinks it is a southern state. It is NOT. Ridiculous, seriously. I am worried about getting home. I actually brought extra food so that I can drive home if it takes extra time. I drive home on Friday, and hopefully the storm will be over with and I can go home without trouble. My husband (who is Mister cool and collected all the time) sent me a text message "BE CAREFUL - The truck isn't working and I cannot come and get you." Christ, Mister, good way to freak me out.

Anyway, at night I will be writing - lots of stuff for Stony and WC. Hopefully, I can make some good progress on my WC rev bb. I am thinking about posting a chapter for my current stony fic The Captain and His Courtesan early just in case I don't have internet when I finally make it home. But I have to get the edit done before I can do that. The whole point of me not posting as I write is to give me more time to edit. I need distance from my work so that I can see the errors (and even that doesn't always work!).

Well, take care, stay warm, off to do some work and some writing.
winterstar95: (preserum)
Well, I went to the nuclear medicine department today and swallowed the pill. Everyone says it is a gray pill, I don't know because the technician just tipped it into my mouth and yep I swallowed radiation. I am emitting gamma rays right now and may turn into She-Hulk at any moment. Day 1, first hour - all very Surreal......

Big week -

Jan. 20th, 2014 12:50 pm
winterstar95: (preserum)
I start my treatments this week Here we go! )

PLEASE DO NOT SAY I WILL BE GLOWING. It irritates the hell out of me.

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